For this week’s prompt I have reworked a flash fiction that has been published in the National Flash Fiction Day 2013 anthology ‘Scraps.’
I did start to write a new story but this kept coming to mind so I decided to see if I could get it down from 150 words to 100 without losing too much of what it was about.
If anyone would like to read the original version, it’s here
This week’s photo prompt comes courtesy of Rochelle Wisoff-Fields who also hosts this group. To get involved in the challenge, click here
To read other contributions, click on the blue froggy
Slipping
Her eyes twinkle as she takes the apple pie from the oven.
She can see the beach through the kitchen window and knows by the rising tide that the harbour is full enough for her handsome new husband to land the boat.
The back door slams and she smiles. But instead of her young spouse she sees an old man who hasn’t fished the bay for nearly twenty years.
“Margaret, my love,” he says quietly. “Do you know that’s the third apple pie you’ve made today?”
The pie dish slips from her trembling fingers and shatters.
©Siobhán McNamara
A miracle of understatement (which always works so much better than angst)
Thank you Neil
Oh oh…you set this up as a great scene, I’m dying to know what happens next
Thank you Laurie
Great story in that it changes the readers perception at the last moment. I had to re-read it in order to decide if the husband had done a Rip Van Wrinkle or if she was somehow slipping away from the real world and into her own fantasy. The structure of the story – the first two sentences on separate lines – distracted from my reading at first. I had to stop and make them into a paragraph before continuing. But all together a wonderful story of hope and loss.
Thank you for your feedback, I’m glad it still worked! I debated whether to put a paragraph break there or not, the oven to the beach felt like too much of a leap but it might need a bit of restructuring or slight rewrite to help the flow.
Beautifully written. 🙂
Thank you Clare
Brilliantly done. The ending left me wanting for more.
Thank you
I saw great love baffled by illness, so sad.
Thank you, it’s such a sad condition
Whoa! I’d say you hit the nail on the head. That ending left me out cold on the floor. I read the original version AFTER I read this one. You didn’t need those 50 extra words. It packed a wallop even more soundly in 100. Bravo, Siobhan! 🙂
Thank you for taking the time to read both stories and then give your feedback! 🙂
i find the story appropriately titled. well done.
Thank you
Dear Siobhán,
You told so much in those last few lines. So very well done.
Shalom,
Rochelle
Thank you Rochelle
Powerful and heartbreaking, Siobhán; loved it!
Thank you Dawn
I echo what @Dawn Quyle Landau said above!
That last bit killed me.
That poor, poor woman, and even worse, her poor husband, who has to see her losing her mind slowly, as she peels away the years.
A stunning piece of story-telling, truly.
Thank you, it must be a very frightening experience for those who suffer it
Very well written.
Thank you
I can only echo what everyone else said. I, too, read the original and found the shorter version to be even better. It’s packed with emotions.
Thank you
There is so much emotion packed into those hundred words. I read it over and over again. A simply brilliant piece.
My secret beach
Thank you
I read both version and I actually think the shorter version worked at least as well.. The tragedy of not being who you used to be, tragic for her, and tragic for her husband… (and very real)
Thanks for reading both versions Björn. Yes, it is such a tragic disease.
This is amazingly done, you’ve packed so much emotion into this small story – great job!
Thank you and thanks also for following 🙂